Though I often attempt to smile despite what difficulties I may be experiencing in my life—there are days when the darkness just doesn’t yield any light for me. I’m extremely impatient at times like this. My fuse is short, my temper flares and I am literally “hell on heels!” (Yes, I meant to say heels and not wheelsJ).
As believers, we like to pretend that depression isn’t a part of our vocabulary—in fact, most times mental health issues are swept under the rug. The truth is we all struggle with something. After the birth of our son Kevin, I was depressed for more than a year because I had never struggled with my weight before pregnancy. It took me years to realize that because of those feelings of inadequacy, I overcompensated for everything and in every area of my life. My pace was frenetic and chaotic. Until one day, the dam broke. I have a vivid memory of a beautiful Sunday morning, we were leaving for church and my then, two year old daughter was walking to the car, I turned her around to take her picture and found that her dress was covered in orange juice. I cried hysterically for at least an hour—broken dam!
It wasn’t the wet dress, or the fact that we were going to be late for church that had broken the dam for me. I had been juggling these little balls of perfection for years—my church work, helping to care for my parents, keeping a clean house, perfectly coifed little children, trying to be a good wife and mother and attempting to launch a music career. And that bright Sunday day, my juggling act came to a screeching halt! My beautiful baby standing there without a care in the world, looked up at me and said, “Cup broke mommy.” I cried even harder. Somewhere in my mind, all of my failures had been culminated with one small issue—a broken cup.
I was broken. I had been living in a pit of darkness, all the while groping for some semblance of light and had taught myself to pretend for everyone else that I was “walking in the light.” I refused to allow the people around me to see that I felt fat, ugly, undesirable and at times, I even felt unworthy. I was living in a dark pit. If you’ve ever experienced a “dark pit” don’t try to rationalize it or hide it. We must be willing to admit that we are struggling with this depression. Our pride hinders our ability to be authentic. To have emotional health, we must have emotional integrity.
Part of the reason that I broke was because while I was trying so diligently to be “good enough” for everyone else, I wasn’t spending any time with God—who is more than enough. I was tired mentally and emotionally exhausted and I had built a fortress of protection around myself in my darkness—trying desperately to conceal my depression. The scripture says in Isaiah 50:29—“He gives power to the tired and worn out, and strength to the weak (NLT).
Don’t be afraid of the dark pit of depression, it’s a part of life. Seek wise counsel to help you through it. I believe in counseling—find a good Christian Counselor to help you navigate the darkness and find your way back into the light—Jesus is there, waiting for you.
Our Prayer—
Father in Heaven, here I am—tired, broken and weak. I’ve spent too much time with the busyness of life and trying to prove to others that I am worthy of their love and affections. Forgive me for not finding my solace in You. I admit my need for You! I will stay here, in this darkness, and accept it as an opportunity to wait for You, to hear from You and to feel Your presence again. Lord, teach me Your ways and strip me of everything that is not like You. In Jesus’ Name…Amen.
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