Necessary Waiting

I despise waiting.  Like, seriously! I can shop for hours in a department store searching for the perfect dress, or shoes, or accessories, or fragrance…I’m digressing—sorry.  I dislike waiting so much that even after hours of searching for the perfect “thing” if the line is too long, I’ll leave everything right there and go home.  That sounds terrible, but it’s true.

Recently, my ability to wait patiently was tested.  My mother and I went to have our annual mammograms together, on a Friday afternoon and by that following Tuesday morning I had received two calls from the radiology department.  The second called revealed that there was an “undetermined mass” in my left breast and that I needed to return for subsequent exams that would take hours to complete.  Although I needed further testing, I couldn’t get an appointment until the next Tuesday.  Immediately, the wheels in my head started turning.  I have cancer, something is wrong, my emotions ran the gamut.  As you can imagine, my next thought was about the “wait.”  An entire week to wait, fret and worry. I hate waiting.

I learned something that week.  I can wait, and patiently, might I add.  Don’t misunderstand me; there were moments that I felt like pulling my blond hair out by its gray roots.  Seven days…there were moments when my nerves were like a tightly wound clock…tick, tick, tick!  But then, I would hear the voice of the Lord say, “wait patiently,” and a sense of calm would wash over me.  The Bible says in Isaiah 40:31—“They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint.”

Sometimes, beloved, we have no choice but to wait. And while we wait on the LORD to answer our prayers, we must learn to find strength in Him.  Waiting can be difficult, especially when there is an unknown factor involved.  I promise, if you wait on Him, you'll never wait in vain.

Our Prayer:

Dear Lord, please help me to rest in Your presence and trust in Your plan for my life.  Keep me on the path that will help me to lay down my will for Yours.  Finally, God, I thank You for allowing me to see Your perspective instead of my own.  In Jesus’ Name,

Amen.   

Real Love

When I was expecting my oldest, my son, I was amazed by the bond that we created while he was still growing inside me. When he was restless and bouncing unmercifully, I soon learned that when I sang to him, he would grow still. It was that way even after he was born. As a baby I could sing the silliest of songs and it would lull my baby boy to sleep.

When I learned that I was expecting baby Kerrington, I went into a panic! I had so much love for Kevin that I was uncertain how well I would be able to love a new baby. After miscarrying, I felt that my son had saved my sanity. He saved me, his mommy and didn't even know it. So we shared a special kind of love--my first born. I was afraid that I didn't have the capacity to love them both equally and fairly. I worried about that the entire pregnancy.

After she was born, and as we grew together, I learned that not only was I capable of loving them both completely and fully but also separately and wholly. They are the best parts of me...one with an eye for fashion, the other possesses an artistic flair. Both of them lovers, sensitive, articulate and bright. One is moody, the other is pensive and observant. Male and female, one is left-handed the other right. They are both so different and still so much the same. Both deserving of the love that only a mother can give. And I am happy to oblige them, they are my delight, my gifts from God.

My friend, this is how the Father loves us, separate but equal. We are without a doubt different in almost every way possible and still He loves us just the same. How awesome is that? As a young mother, I feared that there was not enough of my love to go around. I have found that not only do I have enough, God has graced me with more than enough. Scripture says in 1 Corinthians 13:4–8 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails ... "

True love, be it eros (erotic love), friendship (brotherly love) or agape (divine love) is a gift from God. Embrace it, cherish and revel in it.

Here's Our Prayer:
Father in Heaven, thank You for Your love for me. And for the love that You have shown to me, through human touch. I am ever grateful that I have been loved wholly and completely. Help me to extend Your love to others, so that we may touch the world and affect them with the love of Your Son, Jesus. Amen.

Treadmill Wars...

This blog has NOTHING to do with devotionals or the spiritual trek that I've been on. This isall about this new "healthy lifestyle" I'm living. I've said in my devotionals before that after my daughter was born I had some unexplained health issues. It took over 10 years to get it right! Good grief!

But, we're here now, in a healthier place--thinner, happier and smiling broadly. Let me be very clear--I DO NOT like exercise. It isn't my favorite thing to do, hence the name of this blog. Some mornings when I wake up and walk downstairs to the freaking treadmill, I spend the first minutes just looking at it. In my head, I'm saying, "Really? Are you still here? Didn't someone have the foresight to throw you away last night?" LOL

But, here's what I've learned guys, although I still take my medication for thyroid, I don't rely on it to help me lose weight. While I can't stop taking this particular medication, I also eat differently and war with my doggone treadmill. 

As my "Bob Greene," Tierra would say, "I'm on a journey" and I'm enjoying it. As with every change in life there are highs and lows, good days and bad ones. But, take a singing lesson from my girl Latrice Pace and "Don't Give Up!" I'd like to encourage you (especially women) to invest in yourself.  Too often, we live for the past...leave it there! The 20 year old me, who was a size 10 with no stretch marks and perky boobs, she's gone! LOL! Yep, I just said that. But, I embrace the beautiful, curvaceous woman I am today. I'm a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and most importantly I am a woman--worthy to be celebrated and so are you!

I'm going to toss in one scripture--Psalm 139:14--I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. So girlfriend, get up! Get moving! Change your life for the better...you can do it, I believe in you, now it's your turn to believe in yourself!

Gain inspiration from these women who inspire me on a weekly basis. Visit www.tierragoesgreen.com, follow her on twitter @tierragoesgreen  or email her at TierraGoesGreen@gmail.com for the best detox you've ever experienced. It's more than worth it...don't buy a pair of shoes and invest in your health.  Also, be inspired by Latrice Pace—her journey has inspired me and her music is the soundtrack to my treadmill wars.  Check her out on twitter @latricepace and www.latricepace.com 

Living & Loving (The Fragility of Love)

I had fibroids. I also have a condition called poly-cystic ovaries syndrome. For all intensive purposes, I should not have been able to get pregnant as easily as I did without the help of doctors. However, I have two beautiful children for whom I am eternally grateful. I had a miscarriage before our son Kevin was conceived and it is believed that I had another one when he was about a year old. I say "believed" because I never went to the doctor to confirm the second miscarriage. I couldn't bare it. 

My husband is a musician and we were going from place to place in his home town promoting his first album in the fall of 1998. During one of the sets I started having excruciating abdominal pain and I remember thinking to myself that I was going to have a difficult week navigating shows, church and "womanly issues." After the shows for that day were done, we stopped at my parents hotel because we hadn't seen them. By that time, I could no longer keep my brave face on, my pain was almost unbearable. The details of how things transpired will always be a little "fuzzy" for me because I was lightheaded. To me, that bathroom was reminiscent of a scene from CSI. It was messy, gory, painful and heart breaking.

My mother and my husband didn't bat an eye. They cleaned me and the bathroom completely up and never minced words with me--a very tearful and bewildered young woman who had no idea what was really happening. That day will forever be etched in my memory, though because I experienced two kinds of love. My mom went into a fierce, mother-bear, protective kind of love that wanted to reassure me that I was okay. My husband, on the other hand, took a different approach. He upheld me with a quiet strength and never let me go until we were back in our own room, when he laid me down and let me rest. I was shaken and fearful that this would be my life during my child bearing years, afraid I'd never conceive again. 

Life and love can be just as messy as that awful day. We raise our children, build our careers, seek higher education and grow ministries. And often, living can get in the way of loving. When I asked some friends their concept of love, some gave generic answers while others had meaningful and heartfelt answers and sadly, there were a few who didn't know what to say at all. I submit that if we are not careful, the latter will be the epitaph of many marriages.

Beloved, its easy to allow ourselves to turn our backs on each other in marriage, especially when there has been damage done to the bond. We learn to live for the children or concentrate on breadwinning. The focus of passion, love, marriage...its lost.

Ephesians 5:25--Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church...I love this scripture because it speaks to us about "giving up" something for someone whom you love, just as Christ did at Calvary for us. If you find yourself in that 'living versus loving chasm' don't worry it's not necessarily irreparable. Get in the trenches and get ready to go to work--seek wise counsel, go on dates, spend time talking...it doesn't have to be too late.

Our Prayer:

Lord, You said in Your Word that it wasn't good for man to be alone. You created us to live with and love one another. Help us to remember that love and passion that we felt for one another in the beginning stages of our relationship. We want to be in Your will and find happiness in the mate that You gave to us. Amen

Soul Blinders

Webster's dictionary describes a distraction as something that prevents someone from giving full attention to something else. It also describes a distraction as a diversion.

In life we often experience many diversions, something that causes us to lose focus on the important things. Horse trainers often add blinders to the bridle of race horses because they believe these blinders keep the horse focused on what is in front of him, and encourage him to pay attention to the race rather than other distractions, such as crowds. As believers, we know that Christ and our relationship with Him, witnessing and bringing lost souls into the Family of God is our goal. But we also have to live life. And recently my life, my heart and my mind have been filled with "things". When this happens, it's difficult for me to hear God's voice. 

I had an "aha moment" sitting at my kitchen table the other morning--I felt overwhelmed and began to cry. I had no idea where the tears were coming from or why, but boy did they flow. It was at that moment that I heard the voice of The Lord, clearer than I had in months! I began to pray..."Father, I have no words to speak. Only tears to cry for this lost and lonely feeling that I have deep in my heart." He said to me, "I have been waiting for you to come back to our meeting place...good morning!" As I sat and communed with God, I knew what that longing was about. I love shoes and if I could, I would fill every empty space in my closet with a new pair (digressing...a little but stay with me). Whenever I feel a "need" in my life and I can't figure it out, eventually I go to shoes. And oh my goodness, I buy beautiful shoes! And for a moment, I have my happy back. But it never lasts longer than the time it takes for me to find the next bargain.

Friend, The Lord allowed me to see that I had been filling the void in my heart with things that would never satisfy. Spending time alone with God connects us to His Spirit, thereby allowing us the opportunity to know Him in a personal way. Only THAT can satisfy what feels like an empty chasm in our hearts. The Psalmist said it best..."As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God" (Psalm 42:1-2). 

I didn't realize that I had been attempting to fill the loneliness and longing that I felt in my heart with things, I found that my real refuge was in spending time with God. God doesn't leave us without direction or help. He gave us His Word, the Bible, to direct our thoughts, behaviors, hearts, minds and souls - to be our soul-blinders! 

Here's Our Prayer:

Father in Heaven, each of us can find a reason to do a great many things to satisfy the physicality's of loneliness and brokenness. But, we want to fill that space with You. In those awkward moments when things just don't seem to be going as planned, remind us that You are here and that You're listening, speaking and waiting patiently for us to meet with You. Thank You Lord for never turning Your back on us, even when we are not cognizant of the fact that You are there. Amen

Mirror, Mirror

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all…” That’s an epic line from the Disney Classic movie “Snow White.”  The Evil Queen was in a constant state of competition with her lovely step daughter, “Snow White.”

I think of that quote sometimes when I’m standing in front of a mirror. Women, spend a lot of time there. Whether it’s to admire God's handiwork or to chastise ourselves for that cookie we ate last night.   Whatever the reason, we spend a lot of time looking, tweaking, shaming, comparing. It's human nature. A friend of mine, who was "down on herself" about having gained weight and looking different than her 20 year old self, expressed her disdain to her significant other, apparently she did this more often than he cared for. She says, he told her in a conversation that he wanted her to try an exercise. He asked her to see herself through his eyes. My friend told me that the woman he described was nothing in comparison to the woman she saw in the mirror everyday. He described an exquisitely beautiful woman, which brought tears to her eyes.   Seeing herself through his eyes caused her to change her perspective and embrace the woman she had become.

Likewise, I'm reduced to tears filled with gratitude when I consider what God sees when He looks at me.   Scripture says in 2 Corinthians 5:21—“God made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.”  Say what now?  Really?  Yes, we are the very righteousness of God and when He looks at us, He only sees Jesus!  Can you imagine?  The flaws, the guilt, the sin and shame all paid for by One beautiful Man.

My friend has vowed that from now on, when she’s feeling poorly about herself, to close her eyes and see the image that was presented to her in that exercise.  I want you, my friend, to do the same.  When you’re feeling less than worthy and not so lovely, see yourself through the eyes of God, all He sees is righteousness and His love for you.  After all, while our self-view is important, His view of us is everything!

Our Prayer:

My Savior, I am eternally grateful that You gave Your life for me.  You, a beautiful, unmarred, perfect Man took my place—flawed, scarred and tattered.   I’m humbled, awestruck and thankful beyond mere words that You thought enough of me to make such an awesome and selfless sacrifice.  Help me to be reminded that Your view of me and all of Your children is flawless and filled with love. Amen

If You're Happy and You Know It!

When I was a little girl, we used to sing a song in Sunday School—“If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands!”  It was one of the first songs I taught my children.  For some odd reason that little ditty has been ringing in my head for a few days now.

We live in uncertain times. The economy is still shaky, crime is at an all time high and the divorce rate is ever increasing.  Given all of these facts, what could we possibly have to be happy about? Author Barry Neil Kaufman believes that happiness is a choice. And to some degree, I agree with him. 

Just as we must choose to worship the LORD even in the most difficult of times, I believe that sometimes we just have to choose happiness.  So, today there are no sad stories about the darkness of depression, failed relationships or bad days.  Today, I simply want to encourage you to choose “happy.”  The dark days will come and most assuredly, we will all encounter difficulties in life.  But, I want to challenge you to choose a different path today…

When you find yourself feeling these emotions, consider these scriptures:

Sadness/Grief: Isaiah 61:3—“He gave them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for                                           mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD that He might be glorified.”

Defeated: Psalm 107: 2—“Let the redeemed of the LORD say so—who He                                          has redeemed from trouble!”

Lonely/Depressed: Psalm 28:7 –“The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart                                          trusts in Him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise Him.

Let’s Pray:

Dear Jesus, I thank you for giving me joy and happiness in my life.  You said in Your Word that “laughter does good like a medicine.”  So, today I choose to focus on the joyous things in my life.  Thank you for helping me “get my happy back!”

Amen

The Big Break Up!

I’m breaking up with my past.  It has held me captive long enough. I’m going through a metamorphosis of sorts in my life, so I’m always in my own head.  Thinking, worrying, dissecting, and criticizing.  It’s what I do…I was talking with a friend recently who pointed out to me that what I may consider a physical flaw, may be beautiful to someone else.  And that gave me pause.  I have heard millions of times that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” my sarcastic reply is almost always, “then you need your eyes checked!”

It was at that moment that I realized that I have been holding on to the “old me”—the “me” who was younger and more attractive.  The postpartum me, who suffered with a dysfunctional thyroid couldn’t possibly be considered beautiful, she had hormonally induced acne, unexplained weight gain, and she was tired all of the time and had a bad attitude.  Her? Pretty?  Never! J  You see, until recent months my thyroid issues went misdiagnosed for years.  And for that reason I was always tired, cranky, and a host of other adjectives I’ll let my loved ones _____________ (insert here). 

What, you may be asking; does that have to do with breaking up with my past?  Friend, I’m glad you asked.  Some times as we grow older, we yearn for days gone by, when we were young, beautiful, unattached and unencumbered.  A hormonal imbalance during my second pregnancy is what caused the thyroid to malfunction at such a rapid rate. And I wasn’t ready to be turned into the old grouch that I had become.  But it was during those times of unanswered medical questions, sick and painful days that I learned to pray…and I pray I did.  I prayed that just one person in my life would walk through this with me; I prayed that God would help me to have patience with my small children and I prayed for a proper diagnosis or healing which ever came first.  It was during those times that I learned the art of intercession.

My younger-self couldn’t have cared less about prayer and fasting.  The me I am today is who God has designed me to be, and although my past has been a stepping stone for the current place on which I stand, it’s time for me to take the next step. Forgetting those things which are behind me…I press. While I want to learn from my past—mistakes, flaws and all, I don’t long to be that person anymore.  And while I may still struggle with some of the scars, flaws and imperfections that were brought on by life, I recognize now, that I am the very righteousness of Christ and when the Father looks at me, He only sees the reflection of His Son. 

Paul said it like this:  “And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which come from the Lord, who is the Spirit” (2Corinthians 3:18 NIV). Reflecting the Lord’s glory!  I can’t think of any other beauty treatment that will make a woman truly beautiful.

Let’s Pray

Dear Father in Heaven, I realize that as I continue to grow in You, I am being transformed to be more like You.  Therefore, I’m breaking up with my past and I’m leaving it behind me.  Not to forget it but rather to use it as a “teachable moment” for others.  Help me to continue to press toward the mark that You have called me to.  Take away whatever needs to be taken away to reveal the beauty of You that is in my heart.  Help me to be spiritually beautiful today and always.

In Jesus’ Name…Amen.

The Dark Pit!

Though I often attempt to smile despite what difficulties I may be experiencing in my life—there are days when the darkness just doesn’t yield any light for me. I’m extremely impatient at times like this.  My fuse is short, my temper flares and I am literally “hell on heels!”  (Yes, I meant to say heels and not wheelsJ).

As believers, we like to pretend that depression isn’t a part of our vocabulary—in fact, most times mental health issues are swept under the rug.  The truth is we all struggle with something.  After the birth of our son Kevin, I was depressed for more than a year because I had never struggled with my weight before pregnancy.   It took me years to realize that because of those feelings of inadequacy, I overcompensated for everything and in every area of my life. My pace was frenetic and chaotic.  Until one day, the dam broke.  I have a vivid memory of a beautiful Sunday morning, we were leaving for church and my then, two year old daughter was walking to the car, I turned her around to take her picture and found that her dress was covered in orange juice.  I cried hysterically for at least an hour—broken dam!

It wasn’t the wet dress, or the fact that we were going to be late for church that had broken the dam for me.  I had been juggling these little balls of perfection for years—my church work, helping to care for my parents, keeping a clean house, perfectly coifed little children, trying to be a good wife and mother and attempting to launch a music career.  And that bright Sunday day, my juggling act came to a screeching halt!  My beautiful baby standing there without a care in the world, looked up at me and said, “Cup broke mommy.”  I cried even harder.  Somewhere in my mind, all of my failures had been culminated with one small issue—a broken cup.

I was broken.  I had been living in a pit of darkness, all the while groping for some semblance of light and had taught myself to pretend for everyone else that I was “walking in the light.”  I refused to allow the people around me to see that I felt fat, ugly, undesirable and at times, I even felt unworthy.  I was living in a dark pit.  If you’ve ever experienced a “dark pit” don’t try to rationalize it or hide it.  We must be willing to admit that we are struggling with this depression.  Our pride hinders our ability to be authentic. To have emotional health, we must have emotional integrity.

Part of the reason that I broke was because while I was trying so diligently to be “good enough” for everyone else, I wasn’t spending any time with God—who is more than enough.  I was tired mentally and emotionally exhausted and I had built a fortress of protection around myself in my darkness—trying desperately to conceal my depression.  The scripture says in Isaiah 50:29—“He gives power to the tired and worn out, and strength to the weak (NLT).

Don’t be afraid of the dark pit of depression, it’s a part of life.  Seek wise counsel to help you through it.  I believe in counseling—find a good Christian Counselor to help you navigate the darkness and find your way back into the light—Jesus is there, waiting for you. 

Our Prayer—

Father in Heaven, here I am—tired, broken and weak.  I’ve spent too much time with the busyness of life and trying to prove to others that I am worthy of their love and affections.  Forgive me for not finding my solace in You.  I admit my need for You!  I will stay here, in this darkness, and accept it as an opportunity to wait for You, to hear from You and to feel Your presence again.  Lord, teach me Your ways and strip me of everything that is not like You.  In Jesus’ Name…Amen.

Love & War

I’m ready to admit it, I like Tamar Braxton!  I watch the show; listened to the new single...I’m sorry, Lord, forgive your child (LOL). 

Seriously, listening to her song Love and War did get me to thinking.  I didn’t have a huge spiritual epiphany but the song title, coupled with a conversation that I’d had earlier did prompt this thought—we generally only fight the hardest, longest or the most about whom or with those we love the deepest.  I’m telling you, NO ONE can make me as angry as my husband. But by the same token, he also holds the record for making the happiest (don’t tell my daddy). 

When I think about my relationship with God over the years, it’s been a bit of a “Love and War” situation.  I know that God loves me with an unmerited, undeserved love.  I’ve done nothing to warrant His love for me and yet I receive it.  Scripture tells us in Romans 5:8—“But God shows His love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” In fact, there are times when I know that He should just throw me away but, His grace invites me right back into His loving arms.  It’s kind of like a mother and her child.  As parents, we give our children advice, guidance, warnings, spankings, punishments but at the end of all of that—there is always love.  Because we want what is best for our children, we are constantly cajoling them to do what is right.  I submit, as a mom of teenagers, that the teen years are absolutely the “Love and War” years but, I digress (I do that a lot).

I have been married for nearly 17 years, and it hasn’t always been easy.  In fact, there were days when I just wanted to throw the towel in the ring and end the fight altogether.  It wasn’t worth it…the arguing, the cursing, the screaming, and the “cold wars.”  Oh yes, beloved, I have said some ungodly things in the heat of an argument!  Many days I would have liked to pack up my babies and hightail it out of there.  But it wasn’t God’s will for my life. 

In relationships, there will almost certainly always be a push and pull—a test of the will, if I may, where compromise is inevitable.  That is the nature of human relationship.  And so it is with our relationship with Christ.  Our human minds find it difficult to believe that God can love us despite our ways.  Jeremiah 17:9 says, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?”  And we tend to view ourselves in light of that wickedness and not in the light of God’s love--thus the “push and pull” of love and war.  God isn’t at war with us; however, it is our sin nature that we war against.  I contend that until we submit fully to God’s love and His will for our lives, we will be like children who are determined to have their way—often lost, confused without purpose or a plan and headed for certain destruction; fighting a war we have no chance of winning.  Today, why not hoist up the white flag and surrender to God’s plan for your life.  With every breath that we breathe, Jesus is keenly aware of every fleshly desire, every hurting place, every burden and every wound.  He’s not avoiding us, He’s waiting…why not surrender.

Let’s Pray:

Father, I confess that I am often at war with my flesh because of what it desires.  At times, I am consumed by the darkness of my humanness and self-centeredness.  Help me to find you in the aftermath of this self-inflicted war.  And Father in Heaven, I thank you for loving me enough to wait patiently for me to find my way back to You.

In Your Son’s name,

Amen.